As a pre-teen you were always kind of sullen. Once you hit thirteen, it just got
worse. The hormones and self-hate grew
overwhelming and before you knew it, pow.
You were an angst filled teen who did nothing but read shitty books and
then talk about how fucking amazing they were all the time.
You chose books about dragons, and by association you’ve
been discussing nothing but dragons for the last eight months of your
life. Dragonlance, Dragon Force, Enter
the Dragon and, of course, Dungeons and Dragons. You love dragon related media so much that
you’ve even seen the short-lived Dungeons and Dragons cartoon from the eighties,
now immortalized in a DVD boxed set that proudly documents its ignominious time
in our world’s radio spectrum.
So it won’t be surprising to anyone when today, when you
visit a theme park, you insist on riding the run down Dungeons and Dragons tram
ride that mysteriously manifests itself in the park and is manned only by a
giant man missing an eye who clutches a club and only speaks in a language of guttural
snarls. But it will be kind of
surprising when that ride turns into an interdimensional portal and sucks you
into another world populated by fantasy creatures, even though that happened on
the Dungeons and Dragons TV show. I
mean, things like that don’t usually happen in the world.
But because this is the real world and not a television
show, there will be no friendly gnome there to help you, no guide to keep you
alive. Instead you’ll arrive in a
twisted jungle populated by creatures which, for the most part, mercifully
ignore you. You’ll wander around there
for a few minutes before you have the ill fortune to happen upon a massive
scaled beast, breathing lightning into the sky and shrieking madly at your
approach.
“Cool!” you’ll shout, pointing at it. “A dra-“
You’ll be cut short by the creature’s massive paw. It won’t be sentient, or even particularly
bright, but it knows that pointing is rude, something even a sullen teen like
you could’ve learned in your brief span on this planet. In Mannersworld, where you will be
transported, such things are currency, a currency that insures survival.
If only you’d been less insufferable, alas.
Congratulations Dragon Obsessed Teen!
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