Congratulations on Filtering All That Water!

Africa has a bunch of problems.  AIDS, poverty, war, this one guy named Glenn.  It’s rough there, continent wide (except for one really small part of South Africa, just outside of Cape Town) and people need help.

You’re a man with a shadowy past and not a whole lot left to lose, so today you’re going to do what people least expect: you’re going to board a plane and head to Africa and do as much good as you can before your past catches up with you.

Since your life, before you fell in with a bad bunch, consisted mostly of retrofitting well and septic systems, you’re going to spend the majority of time in Africa over the next four weeks making water filtration systems and doing your best to improve Africa as much as you can.

By the time you finally get caught by the shadowy figures who track down anyone who shoplifts from Pottery Barn you’ll have provided hundreds of thousands of people will access to fresh water, facilitating the filtration of millions of gallons of safe potable liquid over the next few months.

Of course, none of this will stop you from dying screaming, but it will make you funeral slightly more upbeat.  After all, no one wants to go to some Pottery Barn shoplifter’s closed casket funeral and hear they never did anything worth hearing about before they accidentally walked out of the store with a toothbrush cozy in their bag one day.

Congratulations on Filtering All That Water!