Congratulations on Showing Off Your Dick in Those Lime Green Tights!

There are two ways to tell everyone you live in New York and can’t survive anywhere else.  One of those ways is to go from shop to shop, loudly talking to anyone who will hear about how things in that place are different from things in New York.  This is pretty awful.

You can also go with your route: you can wear incredibly bright, tight tights that show off your junk.

“Oh god,” people on the street will moan.

“I guess maybe he lives in New York?” the other people on the street will say with a shrug, to no one’s real satisfaction.

“I can see the outline of his dick,” a precocious child will announce to an adult who pulls her along, both to avoid the conversation that follows such a statement (re: why is that man showing me the outline of his dick mommy?) and to shield her child from sustained exposure to your dick, so intensely visible in those lime green tights.

When you walk down the street everyone will know just who you are and where you’re from.  They’ll know exactly what you’re about.  They’ll avoid eye contact with you to the point of personal risk.

It’ll be like you’re projecting a small field of New York around yourself each day: a region of space and time where social skills, codes of conduct and basic human decency all falls away and you find yourself standing on a street corner, alone in a crowd, pretending all at once to be invisible, not to see anyone else, while craving their attention all the same.

Congratulations on Showing Off Your Dick in Those Lime Green Tights!