Congratulations on Meeting that Door to Door Salesman!

When you open the door you’ll assume it’s some god damn Jehova’s Witness trying to convince you that Jesus is your best friend and also the biggest dickhead roommate you’ve ever seen in your life.  Imagine your surprise when you discover that it’s actually an awesome door to door salesman, wearing an old school tweed suit and everything!

Well, that surprise is going to be kind of ruined by the fact that you’re reading this, but still.

He’ll be standing out there holding a vacuum cleaner in his hands, smiling at you.  The smile won’t touch his eyes and, upon closer examination, it’ll look less like a smile and more like a rictus, like someone taught the devil how to look non-threatening and he didn’t quite get it.

When his mouth opens he’ll speak like a 1920s Vaudeville performer.

“See, this here contraption will clean your house right up, see?” he’ll inform you.

You’ll nod at him.

“I do see,” you’ll murmur in agreement.

“All I need is fifty smackeroos and this here contraption will be sitting in your living room cleaning the everloving daylights out of your home and garden, doncha know,” he’ll loudly declare.

You’ll realize, based largely on his improper usage of idioms, that something is wrong, but by this time the damage will be done: your hands will move unbidden to your wallet, creeping in, pulling out two twenties and a ten.

“That sounds like a bargain,” you’ll all but moan at him.  His eyes will narrow and, for a moment, his smile will become chillingly sincere.

“Sure is,” he’ll murmur.

You’ll hand him the money and the vacuum will be in your house before you know what’s going on.  Within seconds of entering your home it will turn on and begin cleaning your house of its own accord.  You’ll cower in a corner, waiting for something terrible to happen, but when it’s done it’ll just politely turn off.

“Oh,” you’ll announce to your empty, sparklingly clean home.  “That’s actually quite nice.”

You’ll have a warm, fuzzy feeling in your stomach for the rest of the day.  Monday, however, that devilish travelling salesman will come back and have really rough sex with you as per a tacit agreement you made when you purchased the vacuum.  It’s in the Door to Door Salesman Constitution, if you want to look it up.

You’ll grudgingly participate in it and, when all is said and done, it’ll be much more satisfying than any sex you’ve had inside your marriage in the last decade so, all things considered this will be a win for you.

Congratulations on Meeting that Door to Door Salesman!