Congratulations Obese Knight!

All the other knights make fun of you all the time.  It’s your cross to bear as the fattest knight in the entire kingdom.  But the joke’s on them, because tomorrow they’re going to be routed by a collection of British longbowmen.  As the last surviving knight in the kingdom (you broke your horse’s back on the way to the battle, so you arrived after the fighting had died down) the defense of the entire realm now falls upon you.

Since your fat ass killed your poor horse you’re going to have to think of another way to get to and from fights and murder people, which is like 70% of what knights do.  Lucky for you there’s a circus in town!

You’ll arrive there holding a giant axe, shouting “DIVINE RIGHT!” as you murder carnie after carnie.  After almost ten whole minutes of civilian axing you’ll take a quick break, at which point a kindly gypsy woman with exposed ankles and a very demure veil will ask you why you’re there.  You’ll explain that you wanted to borrow their elephant so that you could ride it into combat and crush the British, forever ruining history and preserving the realm.  She’ll agree to help you so long as you stop murdering her family.  You’ll eventually talk her up to spending the night with you, as long as she stays on top for the entire time.

You’ll show up to the battlefield the next day on elephant-back, grimacing at the British as dourly as any Frenchman ever has.

“DIVINE RIGHT!” you’ll scream as you charge towards their ranks on elephantback.  The British, trained to fight horses, not elephants, will break rank, screaming as your elephant crushes them under his feet.  The battle will turn into a rout, and you’ll become the toast of Alsace for decades to come.

This will be the start something beautiful: a delightful partnership between you and “Tusky,” as you’ll come to call your elephant companion.  Your relationship with the gypsy woman will be over within a week, when she and her caravan leave to avoid further murder, but Tusky will stay, waking you each morning with a comical spray of water from his trunk, gingerly pulling the blanket up on your body when you die of diabetes in a year and a half’s time.  His will be the single truest friendship you’ll ever know.

Congratulations Obese Knight!