Congratulations on Your Hand Related Discomfort!

Today you’re going to reach out and shake the hand of a new co-worker.  It’s going to be warm.

Not warm in the sense that it’s body temperature: that would just be normal.  No, it’s going to be slightly too warm for comfort.  Not hot, mind you.  But warm.  Warm and moist.

It will be the sort of warmth that makes you wonder “did this person just remove their hand from their pants?”  Or “perhaps this person has been holding their hand inside an easy bake oven or some sort of cultural analog that has warmed their flesh somewhat while also, by some strange mechanic, not removed the moisture from their flesh.”

It will be warm enough to make you uncomfortable, but not warm enough to be concerned for your co-worker.  As you let go of their hand you won’t meet their eye; instead you’ll let your vision drift to the ground, to your shoes, where it will remain until your co-worker walks away, at which point you’ll let them trail up again to the hand, that fiendish hand.

Later on tonight, while you lay by your partner you’ll stare up at the ceiling: the question of why your co-worker’s hand was so warm will plague you.  You’ll be unable to close your eyes, unable to ponder the matters of the day.  You’ll only be able to lay there and stare and hope against hope that you never have to touch that person again, ever.

Congratulations on Your Hand Related Discomfort!

Congratulations on Establishing Just How Close Too Close Is!

Today, in an MIT lab under controlled conditions, you’re going to make an important discovery. You’ll be wearing a pair of jeans and a tattered old Jethro Tull t-shirt that was purchased for you by an ex-girlfriend of six years who knew how much you love Jethro Tull. You’ll be paired with Sheila, an attractive young woman wearing a sleeveless t-shirt and capri pants. You and Sheila will be observed by Professor Geraldine, who will be dressed more or less the same way you are because that’s actually how scientists dress. None of this suits and lab-coats shit.

He’ll be having you step progressively closer and closer towards one another, occasionally asking you to check in with your personal comfort levels. Then he’ll assess your levels of discomfort with a set of objective questions about ferrets.

When the test is finished we’ll have discovered that “too close” to Sheila for you is basically six inches away, which isn’t too surprising because you’ll be attracted to her and any closer than that she’ll be able to feel your erection.

“Too close” to you, however, will be around twenty meters, give or take. It’ll vary slightly depending on how recently you’ve bathed, and it’ll be used to justify a number of highly specific restraining orders in the near future. It will be based largely on the fact that you look like you have an erection and, at varying distances, the appearance of said erection generates variant levels of discomfort.

Professor Geraldine will be warded a fellowship, which he’ll put to use studying why men named Geraldine have so much trouble dating. Findings of this future study will be largely inconclusive, but science is nothing without risk.

Congratulations on Establishing Just How Close Too Close Is!