Congratulations on Your Successful Poster Presentation!

Forty five minutes before it’s due the ink will still be drying. You’ll be running down the hall, your hair flying every which-a-way, your pulse pounding. You’ll deck a kid with a diorama as you run past him, just to show him what’s what. And then you’ll arrive at your classroom, drenched in sweat, only to find it empty.

This will give you some much needed time to prepare. You’ll arrange all of the desks into the shape of what you call “Fort Awesome,” smoke a bowl and put on some deodorant before you take your seat near the head of the class to present, when the time comes, your findings on the interplay of various complex proteins during the reproductive process of fruit flies.

You’ll have a good thirty minutes to cool down and let the weed take hold. Thirty minutes you’ll spend whiting out portions of your poster and hastily re-writing them in pencil instead of relaxing and collecting your thoughts. But when the time comes and your fellow graduate students and teachers file into the room and take their seats, you’ll know that you’re ready.

The presentation will begin with the students slapping their feet against the ground rhythmically, pounding out the beat of “We Will Rock You” by Queen. It’ll rise and rise into cacophony until it nearly deafens you. Then the professor will stand with his arms raised and shout:

“BEGIN!”

You’ll leap atop his desk, pointer in hand, and begin shouting out random facts from the poster while pointing to various locations.

“Ribosome inhibition occurs along this genome!” you’ll shout at the class. They’ll respond with a series of oohs and ahhs, accented by a mass, collective eyeroll.

“Fruit flies aren’t actually flies!” you’ll scream, flicking a pencil off your professor’s desk and catching one of the douchiest students in the classroom right in the eye, sending him writhing to the ground in pain. The classroom will erupt in applause.

Your professor will stand up and place a check mark on the blackboard, next to your poster. You’ll smile at him and then open your mouth before blacking out.

When you come to the class will be carrying you on their shoulders. Your poster will be in tatters on the floor and the professor will be stripped to the waist, pounding his chest. The blackboard will be covered in check marks.

Congratulations on Your Successful Poster Presentation!