Congratulations on Fucking Her In Her Prius!

The date will go alright. Not great. You’ll start off by accidentally calling her a racist, and when you ask her name you’ll immediately forget it, referring to her as “you” for most of the night. And you’ll consistently get her drink order wrong, getting her four Harvey Wallbangers and two white wine spritzers when all she wanted was a whiskey, neat.

But as it turns out that won’t really matter for her, because she has pretty serious self-esteem issues and she can’t recognize the difference between taking control of her sexuality and allowing her sexuality to be taken advantage of. She’ll also have a keen sense of irony and a good eye for ways to take revenge on douches that she dates. So when she makes you leave the bar by grabbing your pants you’ll think you’re in for the ride of your life, and you’ll be more or less right.

She’s going to take you back to her Prius, rip off your jeans and ride you for a good hour and a half. When the cops finally knock on her fogged up window they’ll just be trying to high five the girl inside, who will be laughing at you as you quiver beneath her, horrified at what her vagina is doing to your penis.

When the entire experience is over you’ll need therapy. Months and months of therapy. And her Prius will be ruined from the combination of blood and sexual fluids that will have just poured out of your prize date. But she won’t give a shit, because she’ll have ruined vaginas for you for several months, effectively doing a service to both women everywhere, Alcoholics Anonymous as an organization and Toyota’s marketing group, which will now be able to use the slogan “Sexually Ruin Someone in a Prius Today!”

Congratulations on Fucking Her in Her Prius!