Congratulations on Isolating the Frequency!

Conspiracy theorists are fucking idiots. Not just because they take innocuous phenomenon and extrapolate weird and outlandish conclusions from them, but because they ignore the conclusions right in front of their faces. For example, those conspiracy theorizing jackasses have long posited that Area 51 is a site where covert UFO research takes place, but we know the truth. The real deal is at Area 52, and the real deal is research into sonic weapons.

Not weapons that create waves of sound that can literally shake a man to pieces or that create brain bursting frequencies that make people’s heads explode, although the second one is closer to the truth. No, the real research has been going into developing the perfect universal Brown Sound for America’s military.

In case you haven’t heard, the Brown Sound is a very special frequency that causes people to shit their pants uncontrollably. It’s an incredibly effective way to embarrass your enemies, and everyone has a brown sound frequency. Most people will go their whole lives without encountering it, but finding an individual’s brown sound frequency is just a matter of time and luck. Most test subjects in your lab are exposed to it in a mere matter of hours. What’s far more difficult is discovering a universal Brown Sound.

Nazi scientists discovered just such a Brown Sound during World War II, but they neglected to write it down since they weren’t really big on documentation. So now it has fallen to you and your crack team of researchers to discover the Brown Sound that will make anyone shit themselves.

Under President Bush you had nearly unlimited staff and funding, but Obama, college boy that he is, took all of your money and put it towards roads and jobs and shit because apparently thinking about people shitting their pants doesn’t make him laugh the way it makes all of us laugh. You received a mandate from the President when he took office: results in four years or no more funding. No more Brown Sound weaponization program. Might as well pack it up and move to the European Union, where countries like Greece will force other countries to accept Brown Sound research as part of their budget. A fate worse than death.

But of late you’ve been making progress. You’ve found a narrow band of frequencies which seem to cause the Brown Sound response in people more often than not. And today, after making three Marines who were “volunteered” for your project shit their pants in less than a minute of tinkering, you’re finally going to find it.

“Booyah!” you’ll shout to your office, standing up and pumping your fist in joy. This will make Paul, your HR guy, stand up and look at you sternly. Paul’s kind of a douche.

“What happened?” he’ll ask without a shred of irony.

“I’m not sure,” you’ll tell him, chuckling. But I need your help.

After five minutes of convincing and less than a second of exposure, Paul will be collapsed on the floor of your lab in the fetal position, weeping in his soiled britches, cursing your name. But you won’t be able to hear him because the chamber is sound proofed and you and everyone else in the office will be laughing really loudly about what just happened.

Congratulations on Isolating the Frequency!