Congratulations on Talking Her Into a Mistake!

You’re not the most charismatic person in the world. In fact, you could be the least charismatic person in the world. You’re tall and thing, but you’ve got mean features, a terrible laugh and you literally cannot listen to someone to save your own life. It’s a bad mix for relationships, which rarely last over a week, but it’s an amazing mix for convincing young women to embarrass you sexually, which is exactly what’s going to happen today.

Today you’re going to walk right into AA, throw your five year chip at the group leader and shout “FUCK YOU!” at the top of your lungs. The entire group will watch you as you ascend to the podium, since that’s actually sort of a normal speech intro in AA. Then you’ll look back out at them from the podium, staring deep into their eyes, wondering who you could convince to come out with you and ruin their life again.

You’ll zero in on one woman, tragically worn with dark circles under her eyes and full, colorless lips. She’ll still be beautiful, but it will be clear that the road of the world has worn her down. You’ll lock eyes with her, point out in the crowd and speak.

“This is all bullshit,” you’ll say, gesturing with your finger to indicate that bullshit is located pretty much everywhere in the room, especially within the crowd. “You,” you’ll say, pointing at the young woman, “should come out with me and make some mistakes tonight. Like people do.”

The young woman will look at you up and down. She’ll bite her lip for a second, then shrug.

“Alright. But not tonight. Tomorrow. I got a thing tonight,” she’ll say, winking at you.

You’ll shrug. “Alright.”

Then you’ll turn to the crowd and wave to them. “Thanks for trying guys.”

On the way out you’ll whisper into the group leader’s ear to give your number to that girl, and he’ll nod back at you. After all, you two used to be good buddies back in the day, before he got all lame. He’ll come through for you. He always does.

Congratulations on Talking Her Into a Mistake!