Congratulations on Your Country Hit!

Most country singers get their start by doing a bunch of small, intimate shows where they belt out covers and, occasionally, play a song they wrote. But when you started playing you swore to yourself that you wouldn’t never play no one else’s music afore you made it big on your own. So before you ever sat down in front of a crowd you put pen to paper and started writing songs about shit that’s important to you.

So far you haven’t had a lot of success. “Waitin’ For My Refund” was kinda weak, and “My Mommy and Her Girlfriend Both Drive Subarus” was never destined to be a country hit. You had a little success with “Shootin’ Guns is Pretty Fun,” but it didn’t really connect with anyone on a base level. So you’ve been toiling away, writing reams and reams of song ideas down in your notebook. Most of them have died as single lines there, but one of them plagued you, haunted your dreams and eventually grew into the song you’re going to play tonight. A simple song called “I’m Saving My Asshole for Jesus.”

You won’t play it for anyone before the show. You’ll be too nervous. You’ll just sit down, open your guitar case and light into it with all the fervor you brought to sucking your first dick. You’ll croon sweet and soft, and everyone will know that this is a boy who loves his country, loves his God, and ain’t never let anyone in his asshole before whatever else he done.

And when you hit those closing bars, belting out “But I ain’t getting’ gaped afore I hit them Pearly Gates, for my asshole waits for Jesus and his love,” the crowd will go wild. Men in trucker hats and women in oversized t-shirts will scream at the top of their lungs, knocking over tables in their rush to applaud you. Later on that night you’ll run out of CDs, and enough requests will come in for t-shirts that you’ll be able to justify putting that CafePress order that you’ve been procrastinating about in. You’ll make the money you need for rent and six different promoters will give you their cards, promising to make you the star of gay country in eastern Utah. It’ll be a good day to be you.

Congratulations on Your Country Hit!