Congratulations on Rebuilding the Aggro Crag in Your Home!

Some dreams can never come true. For example, Pam from accounting will never find true love. James from AR will never have a chance to experience puberty as a young woman. And you’ll never be able to appear on the television show Nickoldeon GUTS as a child and climb the Aggro Crag in the final round in the Extreme Arena.

This is a lot more frustrating for you than the rest of us, because while we might never accomplish our dreams it is, in most of our cases, largely because of fate’s horrible, cold hands and our own abject poverty. In your case you possess the means to purchase the Aggro Crag and the drive to do so. You’ve even entered into negotiation with some higher ups at Viacom in an attempt to purchase the defunct structure, but those media fat-cats wouldn’t hear any of it, insisting that their precious heap of polystyrene and steel stay mothballed in their studio vault, along with the heads of the Jewish Media Elders and the souls of all the previous U.S. presidents who haven’t been inserted into robots yet.

So with all that money burning a hole in your pocket and no Aggro Crag to buy with it you did what any rational person would do: you started building a massive stadium in your home which effectively re-created the set of GUTS. Using extensive video reference and some of the original architects of the Extreme Arena you’ll build the entire thing from the ground up. But none of these people were involved at all with the construction of the Aggro Crag, and none of them will be able to help you in the least when it comes to fabricating a superstructure for the massive complex.

In the end you’ll be left with no choice except to hire a group of private investigators to track down the wily and reclusive architect of the Crag. He’ll be living in seclusion in North Dakota, far from where anyone would ever willingly go. But the detectives, at your behest, will track him through the massive, deadly obstacle course he calls his home and bring him back to you in irons. Five men will have set out: two will return.

Once you have him in your home he’ll be very amenable to building a new Aggro Crag for you in your home. Turns out he really likes doing that sort of thing, he just doesn’t like being bothered in his home. He’ll give you his email address in case you need to get in touch with him again and then give you some plans for the construction of a brand new Aggro Crag, complete with all the classic obstacles and suggestions for maintenance.

After that it’ll be just a matter of six months and twenty million dollars before you have your personal Crag up and running. The first thing you’ll do is stand atop it and survey the massive empty stadium you’ve created and wonder aloud at your snickering underlying as to why you’re still single when you can make things this amazing.

Congratulations on Rebuilding the Aggro Crag in Your Home!