Congratulations on Figuring Out Who Really Shot JFK!

People have been trying to figure this one out for decades, and even though that one dude came out and told everyone exactly what happened we all know that’s bullshit. It was really the Templar trying to get one up on the Illuminati who, as we all know, were rubbing Kennedy’s re-election in the face of the Free Masons, who haven’t done shit since they helped Edison ruin a bunch of people’s lives so he could start charging for electricity. Oh, and the Alien Pharaohs paid off the cops.

But no one’s ever been able to figure out this most basic of stories about one of the most important events of our history. No one, that is, until you.

You’ll be looking for jobs at a coffee shop, the same way you always do, when a man in a trench coat will sit across from you. He’ll slide you a manila envelope and gesture for you to open it. You’ll do so and, inside, find a neat three page write up that documents all the events surrounding Kennedy’s assassination, right down to the words his Cuban mistress spoke during his funeral.

You’ll look up at the man incredulously, but he’ll be ordering a latte on his way out the door already. Biting your lip you’ll assume that he had been following you for some time and had decided that this would be your new job: revealing the truth to the American public through a medium other than your terrible poetry (in fact he simply believed you were a reporter who had arranged to meet him there and looked just about as non-descript as you do). You’ll quickly log on to your blog and make a fresh post titled “WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO JFK,” then publish it.

Your blog will flood with traffic, and your weird, actually true theory will get mixed in to the internet, where it will start to gain popularity. You’ll remain mostly anonymous, but that won’t stop the Templar from tracking you down and sending assassins after you.

Thus will begin your long and incredibly exciting escape from large, nebulous organizations with little actual authority and plenty of weird people willing to kill for them. You’ll also finally start developing skills necessary for the modern workplace and when this whole crazy adventure is over you’ll be ready to find a real job, probably through a temp agency instead of just surfing the “looking for sex worker” ads on Craigslist.

Congratulations on Figuring Out Who Really Shot JFK!