Congratulations Bike Chain Gang Champions!

You and your friends didn’t really know what to do with yourselves after high school. Shelly got into Dartmouth, so she was all set, but the rest of you had spent far too much time smoking pot, having teen sex and riding bikes around so most of you barely got out. of high school. The few who did get into college couldn’t get financial aid, so you all decided to throw Shelly a nice party and then make your lives in the town you grew up in, living the way you know how: awesome.

For a while this meant taking jobs as they came, mostly in the service industry, and occasionally forming “bands” that break up within a few weeks due to lack of talent, interest and endurance. But once that got old and the general sense of purposelessness set in the lot of you decided that it was high time you formalized your friendship by starting up a gang.

Since you’re all fairly poor and a few of you don’t even have driver’s licenses yet a motorcycle gang is right out. But a bicycle gang is right up your alley. But there’s a problem, as there always must be: your town already has a rival bike gang in it.

They’re called the College Boys, mostly because they all went to college and graduated and now work the same shitty jobs with the same generalized lack of purpose that you all bring to everything you do. They also ride their bikes around and punch people who disagree with them, which includes you because you think you’re a better bike gang than they are (and you’re sort of right – fewer of your members are diabetic).

You’ve been at a disadvantage to them for some time since most of their members are older and cannier than the young turks populating your bike gang. But today you’re going to come up with a surefire solution that will solve your troubles once and for all: you’re going to meet them on the traditional rumble grounds with an old fashioned challenge dance. Then once the dance is done you’ll remove the chains from your bikes and beat them violently until most of them are either unconscious or dead.

A few of them will die from their injuries, and no one will be very happy with how it all ends. No one except you and your sweet ass new bike gang, the Bike Chain Champions. So as long as you and your lot is happy, who gives a fuck about anyone else?

Congratulations Bike Chain Gang Champions!