Congratulations on Beating the Devil at a Game of Your Choice!

You’re going to die today in a run of the mill boating accident. One of the hookers you hired for the day is going to be piloting the boat while you do some heroin and you’re going to slip and slide the needle way too deep into your arm, which will in turn make you freak out because you’ll be high as shit on horse at the time.

You’ll start backing away from the prostitute, as the back of her head will seem to start talking, until you pitch right over the back of the boat and fall into the water where you’ll be sucked into the propellers of the boat and die in a horrible swift fashion. Then through a process of transubstantiation the essence of your consciousness as it was at the time of your death will arrive in a place of tremendous heat and suffering: that is to say, hell.

Upon arrival you’ll be greeted by a slender, swarthy man with a big grin and deep, brown eyes that seem to change color like embers in a fire. He’ll speak your name as if he’s greeting an old friend, and in that greeting the topography and rules of your new home will be put upon you in one quick naming.

“That’s correct,” you’ll say, nodding him.

His smile will widen back. “Then I assume you’d like to play?”

He’ll be referring to a loophole in the laws of hell which permit any single (1) soul to remove his or her self from Hell pending the successful completion of a game against one Satan, aka Lucifer, aka the Dragon Called Beast. Victory conditions are the standard rules of said game.

You’ll walk over and examine the games which the devil has available, brushing off copies of Chess, Risk, Stratego and Monopoly to eventually select a worn and battered box of Magic cards.

“A fine choice,” he’ll say, twiddling his fingers. You’ll smile and nod at him.

At this point the devil’s bravado and your history as a drug dealer in high school with come into play. See, you used Magic cards as a sort of social networking tool to interact with your client base in a non-drug related capacity. You discovered quickly that people would be more likely to buy drugs from you if they thought you had a life outside of selling drugs, so you bought the cards, learned to play and even came to love it a little.

The Devil, on the other hand, spent most of his time in Heaven as a super popular douche bag who never had any trouble getting girls, making friends or getting by. He had it all and just decided to give it up so he could try and act cool down in hell, and also because he had a disagreement with his dad. So what we’re trying to say is that despite your single meager mortal lifespan and the devil’s nigh eternity in which he could’ve mastered any game of his choosing you’ll be by far the stronger Magic player.

What follows will be a Magic duel for the ages, one wherein your lands will all drop just right and the devil will try to cheat unsuccessfully. After you’ve trounced him using an amazing feign strategy and a bunch of stuff no one here understands because we’re not drug dealers and we have lives outside of Magic the Gathering, he’ll acquiesce and permit you to return to Earth.

He’ll reform your corporeal body on the shore near where the accident occurred. Your prostitute will spot you while driving the boat and feel a great wave of relief. She didn’t want to end up in jail because one of her clients killed himself again, and she had a feeling she would’ve had trouble getting your boat deposit back if you’d died. She’ll pick you up and the two of you will go back to shore for some margaritas.

Congratulations on Beating the Devil at a Game of Your Choice!