Congratulations Anal Spelunkers for Freedom!

Log Cabin Republicans have it all wrong and even some of those Democrats who campaign for gay rights don’t have it quite right, trying to protect the children from things like buttsex and awesome instances of buttsex that gay guys are talking about a little too loudly on a train. That’s why you and some of your friends started Ass Spelunkers for Freedom, an extremely vocal group that pairs the fight for gay rights with the protection of civil liberties as a whole, with great, deliberate attention paid to the right to free speech and the right to freedom of assembly.

That means all man nude love-ins would, under the dictum of your party, qualify as protected speech. As would discussing how great the handy you got your from boyfriend the other night was on a crowded train a little bit too loud and within earshot of children. Also included in the protections you want are protections levied towards tasteful same-sex focused pornographic websites and graphic sex education videos which show two young gay men having awkward, but kinda sweet sex.

Suffice it to say you’ve been met with nothing but controversy since your press release late last week declaring your intent to stage a rally in a public park to attempt to drum up membership and dispel some of the misconceptions about your new movement, like the idea that you’re a bunch of baby rapists.

The rally will start off uneventfully, with a few interested parties who heard about you from reading print news or on the internet trailing in an listening calmly as you explain your viewpoint in terms of constitutional law, then leaving, usually without signing the petition, after you finish describing the proposed sex-ed video. A few of them will sign it, though, saying it sounds “totally hot” and “way less boring than the sex-ed video they saw in high school.” One guy will even say, we paraphrase, “That sounds like a gay version of the video they make in the end of The Girl Next Door. [Expression of interest] yeah I’ll sign that [document].”

But after around an hour of good natured questions, agreements, disagreements and one phone number from a dude who thinks your struggle for civil liberties is totally hot, the Tea Partiers will show up.

They’ll arrive with signs declaring that they aren’t Republicans, still covered in McCain-Palin-2010 bumper stickers and start chanting the Pledge of Allegiance as loud as they possibly can while you’re explaining your belief in the natural extremism of the Constitution with regards to personal liberty and the necessity of its protection by the state to a young woman in a Bryn Mawr sweatshirt. The two of you will stop and stare at the Tea Partiers while they chant their black little hearts out. You’ll wait for them to stop patiently, but they’ll just start right back in. The two of you will then shrug and continue speaking in ASL, which you both know because you’re godless liberals who learn every fucking immigrant language that comes into this country.

Lucky for you American conservatives are notoriously bad at being straight, so even brief exposure to your people will almost instantly “turn” them gay. After around forty minutes of hoarse, often incorrect chanting of a relatively insignificant gesture popularized in the American public school system that these people so vehemently oppose, several of the men who have been chanting will break down and start blowing each other in public.

This will lead to a massive backlash as other members of the Tea Partying group claim the devil has been unleashed by your quiet demonstration of personal freedom. Many of their members engaged in the act of fellatio with other men will momentarily clear their mouths and shout their affirmations before continuing to suck dick like it’s going out of style (which it isn’t). This period of intolerance will be interrupted when one of the Tea Partiers notes that only their own members are engaged in acts of public indecency, then further broken up when another one expresses confusion as to exactly what they’re protesting.

The Tea Partiers will then break down into internal bickering, splitting into several additional groups, one of which will start talking to you and listening calmly while you explain your stance. That group will mostly sign your petition before you get to the part about the sex-ed video, and a few will do so even afterwords.

In the end the entire thing will be a rousing success, and the bizarre and confusing Tea Party protest will even get you national coverage. Thus will begin your journey to state senatorship and, perhaps, dare we say, the White House (probably not)?

Congratulations Anal Spelunkers for Freedom!