Congratulations on Making Us All Feel Like Pedophiles!

You’re the sort of pixie-ish young woman who makes people uncomfortable and a little bit happy just through her presence. You’ll be incredibly well developed for your build, but when you’re in the sort of bulky clothes you normally wear your gender will be indeterminate. All most people will be able to tell about you is that you’re incredibly attractive and that you’re really open and happy too.

But today it’s going to be early June and you’re going to make everyone in Southeast Portland deeply uncomfortable by stripping down to a pair of bike shorts and a tank top and riding around town running various errands. It would be bad enough if you were an incredible hottie showing off milky white skin that doesn’t normally see the light of day, butt no, you had to make it so much worse by looking like you could be anywhere between twelve and twenty-six, despite your gorgeous tits.

We’ll all be staring at you while your back is turned as you order coffee, wondering if you’re old enough to be asked out and, even if you were, if you’d say yes.

“If she had tattoos at least we’d know she’d be legal,” we’ll collective mutter into our black coffees, trying to shake our Thirsty Thursday hangovers. A few of us will wonder if you do have tattoos, somewhere underneath those clothes, but they’ll be in the minority, since most of us will just be really uncomfortable with the train of thought we were on in the first place.

“A teenager probably wouldn’t drink coffee, right?” we’ll mumble as you leave with your mocha in hand, stretching obliviously next to your bike while everyone tries and fails to avoid watching you. “But that’s basically hot chocolate. Shit,” we’ll collectively finish, giving you one long stare as you ride away, staring at your ass for a moment before feeling dirty about doing it.

“Would an adult wear that?” we’ll wonder while you pick up a floral print dress and hold it against your supple body at a thrift store. “Probably, I guess,” we’ll mumble as we look away, rummaging through a footlocker filled with assorted shit, hoping you’ll leave our field of vision but really praying that you’ll come over and ask us for our opinion about which pattern better accentuates your boobs and then making out with us in a bathroom. Most of us will leave the store ahead of you, deeply uncomfortable with that pattern of thought.

Finally we’ll be sitting in Belmont Station when you stop outside on your bike and lock it up. You’ll step in, flash your ID and get a pint of the blackest stout we’ve ever seen. Then we’ll all breathe a collective sigh of relief. Turns out none of us were pedophiles after all. You were just a really hot woman who we have now determined is somewhere between the ages of twenty one and twenty eight. Tops.

Congratulations on Making Us All Feel Like Pedophiles!