You guys haven’t had a lot to celebrate recently. You had that one Limp Bizkit cover way back in the day which briefly brought attention back to George Michael for something other than hot man on man action, and then those god awful political songs he made back in the mid-naughties, but aside from that it’s all been money guzzling tours and relative silence about his sex life, which is all you guys really care about.
That’s why you’re going to be super psyched later on today when news breaks that George Michael was caught having sex with a woman. TMZ will break the story with the headline “ACTUALLY STRAIGHT?!?!?!” You’ll jump up from your desk and make the “goal post” gesture, spilling hot coffee all over your crotch and thighs.
You’ll be rushed to the hospital for burn care almost immediately, but you’ll spend the entire ride there telling paramedics about the latest development in George Michael’s life. They will, unfortunately, be unable to even feign mild interest. This won’t prevent you from chattering over their questions about your currently health, however, all the way to the hospital.
Once you’re in the ICU they’ll have the foresight to set you up with the one deaf nurse on the ward, who won’t even pretend to hear you after they sign what you’ve been prattling endlessly on about to everyone who can hear you. When she finally leaves you at the end of her shift she’ll mumble that you should talk less and that people generally don’t care about George Michael any more before turning to walk out as you sit in the hospital bed in silence, alone, thinking about your scorched genitals.
Congratulations George Michael Fan!
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