Congratulations on Making Someone Watch the Cove!

Just to be perfectly clear you haven’t seen the Cove yet. And you won’t have seen it by the end of the day. But you will have forced your soon to be ex-girlfriend to watch it through a combination of craftiness and emotional manipulation.

You’ll start the process off by carefully laying a trail of M&M™ brand candies leading from the entrance of your shared apartment to the bedroom where the entertainment center looms. You’ll hide in a closet and wait for her to arrive home for several hours, falling asleep a few times. When she finally shows up she’ll slam the door, waking your from your respite.

“Fuck me,” she’ll shout to the seemingly empty apartment. “Thank christ I’ve got some alone time.” She’ll drop her bag on the table and let out a long sigh. Then she’ll notice the candy on the floor. She’ll look around the apartment to make sure that no one is around, checking underneath cushions and rugs but never thinking to look in the closet where you’ve cleverly concealed yourself under a sheet (you deserve each other).

Satisfied that the apartment is free from observers she’ll pick up the first M&M™ and place it in her mouth, chewing unexpectedly like a bird. Then she’ll proceed to do so with a second candy and so on and so forth until she reaches the next room. What follows next you can only speculate at, but you’ll assume that she follows the candy trail to the middle of the room and spends time devouring her newfound horde of chocolate.

You won’t be able to find out because you’ll have run up behind her and slammed the door shut, locking it and shoving a set of carefully designed wedges (you’re a carpenter) into the gaps between door and frame to seal her inside.

“Herrow?” she’ll call out from inside, her voice obscured by candy. You’ll giggle at yourself, delighted, then leave the apartment to go eat Chinese food alone while she deals with the trap you set up for her.

Inside the room she’ll see that the DVD player has been loaded and that a note is attached to the TV. It will read that you know she’s been cheating on you and that you feel really hurt. You’ll have rented the acclaimed documentary The Cove to show her just how sad you feel. You’ll instruct her to play it so that the she can share your feelings and the two of you can move on with your relationship, having grown from your heartbreak.

She’ll turn on the DVD player and the TV, fast forwarding through the previews and pressing play more out of hunger than any desire to actually salve your feelings. But after forty five minutes of watching those poor dolphins mistreated by the modern world she’ll be weeping openly. She’ll understand that she, like man, has mistreated you like a poor, defenseless and wise dolphin. When the film is finally completed and you arrive at home a little early to remove the wedges from the door and let her out of her makeshift prison she’ll run out of the room as quickly as possible. She won’t mention having missed dinner or how much of her time you’ve wasted.

She’ll just stand for a moment and say “I’m sorry. You deserve better.”

Then she’ll pick up her bag and leave for a motel. That night she’ll lay there on a motel bed wondering if she’s good enough for anyone if she can make you feel that bad. She’ll consider suicide briefly before masturbating herself to sleep.

Back at home you won’t be able to masturbate. Or sleep for that matter. All you’ll be able to do is stare up at your ceiling and wonder if maybe you should’ve picked a movie that you’d seen, or even a film that had a slightly less sad reputation. Maybe something like Tideland, which probably would’ve confused her but still been, in a way, more accurate.

Congratulations on Making Someone Watch the Cove!