Congratulations on Quoting the Bible Until They Just Give Up!

You’ve gotten a little sick of people taking your shit out of the freezer at work, which is totally acceptable. You worked hard to earn that single portion microwavable dinner and you deserve to ram it into your face while it is molten hot come lunchtime each day. But if you tell that to those cocksuckers in HR they just roll their eyes and recommend that you take an anger management class before further legal action becomes necessary.

Today you’re going to strike back the way your daddy taught you: using the Bible. But unlike what your dad did with you you won’t be beating them bodily with the Good Book until they admit they’ve been sneaking your delicious lunchtime treats out under your nose. No, you’ll just stand in the lunch room for a solid hour quoting the bible at people as they walk in and out.

At first you’ll start out light with some parables and Songs of Solomon. You’ll even mix in a few psalms and homilies to spice it up. But before long you’ll get a little lost and just start reading random passages out of Genesis, hoping for the best.

“The best” will apparently consist mostly of stories about prostitutes being stoned to death and men selling their daughters into slavery. There will also be a five minute period where you try to figure out how to pronounce various old timey names such as Abraham and Isaac (here’s a hint: it’s not “Is-Ack”).

Once that’s done you’ll read the entirety of Revelations from start to finish without pause. You’ll barely even take a breath you’ll be so busy listing off sins, and by the time it’s all done everyone will feel really guilty. That’s when Pam from Sales will come up and tell you that no one’s been sneaking your dinners, you just keep forgetting to bring them.

You’ll cold-cock that mouthy bitch right then and there and the entire room will go silent. From that day forward your cubicle will be moved to an isolated area and whenever you leave you’ll have a security escort, but it’ll be worth it because every day a new microwave dinner will be there just like it was before you ate it the previous day before. We hope you one day grasp the concept of things changing over time, but given the brain damage from all those bible beatings it is very, very unlikely.

Congratulations on Quoting the Bible Until They Just Give Up!