Congratulations on Using Archaic Weights and Measures to Communicate!

Today you’re going to wake up and decide to act like a royal douchebag. But unlike most run of the mill douchebags, who would be satisfied with just acting racist or saying a bunch of stupid, uninformed political stuff, you’re going to try and kick it up a notch. You’re going to insist on using arcane weights and measures from bygone eras in order to communicate with people just going about their daily business.

It’ll kick off at the used car lot, where you’ll ask a salesman in detail how many rods his automobile gets to the hogshead. It’ll be an easy one, a Simpson’s reference even, but he still won’t get it.

“You askin’ about chicks, bro?” he’ll say, mopping his brow with his tie. “This thing will get you mad chicks.”

Then you’ll proceed to the gas station, where a young hispanic man will be working. Not being a racist, you’ll treat him just as you would any other fucker you’d meet in your daily life.

“Thirty-two quarts to my tank, goodman! Post-haste!” You’ll hurl your keys at him from across the lot and strike him in the face. He’ll rub his nose and shake his head.

“Fill her up super, si?” he’ll mumble in broken English, opening up your gas tank and slamming the hose in with little to no concern for your wishes. You’ll simultaneously feel kind of heattbroken that he ignored your hilarious antics and kind of impressed that he has integrated so well into American society without the benefit of a functional grasp of the English language.

Your last stop will be White Castle. When you arrive the be-pimpled cashier will ask you through the crackling speaker what the fuck your stupid ass wants.

“A gross lot of hammed burgers and three imperial pints of your finest cola,” you’ll say, maintaining a foppish British accent the whole time.

“Fucking order like a straight person,” the cashier will drawl back at you. You’ll repeat the first part of your order and replace the second part with “a large coke” and he’ll quote an exorbitant price into the speaker. You’ll drive around, pay it, and receive all one hundred and forty four of your burgers.

You won’t even drive home to eat them. You’ll just sit in the parking lot staring at the cars that drive by, wondering why you can’t even fuck other people’s days up right.

Congratulations on Using Archaic Weights and Measures to Communicate!