Congratulations on Sharing that New York Hospitality

You’re going to move into a small town in Northern Minnesota this weekend, about twenty minutes outside of Bemidji. You’ll be moving there mostly to avoid charges for assault, battery, murder and tax evasion in New York and you thought that no one would ever think to look for a New Yorker in northern Minnesota.

You’ll be right, more or less. But it hasn’t been easy. To cover up your true identity you’ve had to avoid talking about New York for the entire trip, a Herculean feat for someone who is as big a douche bag as you. You’ve also had to avoid discussing musical, mentioning how much better New York’s version of the Lion king is and discussing that 30 Rock is shot and set in your town.

To reward yourself for doing such a good job you’re going to introduce yourself to the town in true New York style: you’re going to mug someone immediately upon entering the town. You’ll wait outside a bank until you see a Honda Civic with a single occupant in it. Then you’ll wait until the occupant, an ancient looking man, begins using the ATM to conduct a transaction.

You’ll rush up behind him quietly and slam his face into the ATM’s display, mashing the keys and fucking up his PIN entry.

“Give me all the money you can get in a single withdrawal,” you’ll whisper into his ear.

“Huh?” he’ll say, unable to hear you due to a German grenade which destroyed his hearing during World War 1.

“Give me all your fucking money!” you’ll scream, pressing your gun into the back of his head.

“No need for such language, son,” he’ll say, licking his lips as he tries to remember his PIN. “Let’s see. You don’t know what money number, now do ya?”

Your breath will whistle through your teeth in your rage and after the old man spends several minutes trying to recall his PIN without success you’ll just smash your gun into the back of his head and take the coupons and two dollar bills out of his wallet and leave.

When he comes to he’ll describe the situation to the sheriff who, because the town only has three hundred residents, will immediately know that you did it. He’ll arrive at your house, arrest you for armed robbery and, during the background check discover who you really are. Then you’ll be swiftly extradited to New York for trial and summary imprisonment.

You’ll die within a week of your arrival at Ryker’s, strangled in your cell by a rival Mafioso who was really tired of the way you would text his wife whenever you were drunk.

Congratulations on Sharing that New York Hospitality!