Congratulations on Proving You Don't Have a Problem!

Traditionally when a person is told they have a drinking problem and they say they’re going to prove they really don’t the person in question takes a break from drinking to prove that their habit doesn’t have any hold over them. You’ll choose a slightly different route.

You’ll purchase six bottles of Mad Dog 20/20, crack one open and set to work constructing an elaborate obstacle course. By the time you’ve finished constructing the course the bottle will be drained, but a functional and sturdy set of wooden structures implying various physical challenges will be standing, tall and proud like your manhood. You’ll insist that your wife stand where the apparent exit of the course is, handing her a bottle of fortified wine. Then you’ll place three other bottles throughout the course, keeping one in hand as you walk to the entrance.

“I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM!” you’ll shout at your wife, who will be looking worried.

You’ll then chug the entire bottle of Mad Dog 20-20 and mount the Monkey Bars you erected, sanded and secured in less than three hours while inebriated. You’ll cross them with the grace and ease of a young man and hurl yourself off them on to an elevated platform attached to a balance beam.

You’ll pick up a second bottle of Mad Dog from the platform and down it in one go as well.

“WHY CAN’T YOU SEE THIS?!” you’ll shout at your wife, hurling the bottle to the ground, where it will shatter. She’ll start shaking a little.

You’ll then hurry across the balance beam, swaying slightly at one point during your journey but mostly doing alright. Then you’ll do a forward flip to the ground and give your wife the double thumbs up. She’ll move to clap then stop herself halfway when she realizes she doesn’t want to encourage you.

At the bottom of the balance beam will be the final bottle of Mad Dog. You’ll down it as well, then set off across the field of flaming rings, tires and land mines.

You’ll move through them with startling agility, well beyond the capacity of most human beings. Indeed, it will seem as if you’re some sort of Olympiad athlete instead of a system’s analyst who has trouble getting action from his wife most nights. Your wife will be more than a little impressed by the whole show.

By the time you reach the kiddie pool filled with KY Jelly she’ll be smiling, the top of her bottle of Mad Dog unscrewed. You’ll feel a little upset that she started drinking before you got to her but then you’ll realize that this means that she’s probably cool with your drinking. Smiling and covered in burns, with only a handful of shrapnel wounds to show for your tribulations, you’ll step out of the pool and walk carefully towards your wife.

“I’m sorry,” she’ll slur at you. “I was wrong to ever dout you.”

You’ll smile at her typo and embrace her. “Oh honey,” you’ll say, grabbing her shoulders and looking her in the eye with all the love and affection you felt for her when the two of you were first wed. “You’re so fucking drunk.”

She’ll laugh, handing you the bottle as the two of you break your embrace. Then the two of you will walk back into your house holding hands to get wasted and watch Everybody Loves Raymond together.

Congratulations on Proving You Don’t Have a Problem!