Congratulations on Bucking the System!

Highschool sucks. No one can ever overemphasize this fact. It sucks if you think it’s good and it sucks even worse if you think it sucks. But that will never keep people like you from trying to make it a little less horrific. That’s what makes you so brave and special.

Your feelings towards Kim Kashewitz (Cashew Kim, as the more vulgar class members call her, because she “loves nuts”) are case in point. Kim is your better socially, physically and financially. But you see through her apparent vanity and classism to the vulnerable, loveless girl underneath it all. A girl who needs someone genuine and caring to offer her succor. Someone like you.

So today you’ll approach her in the hallway and try to reach out to her.

“Hey, Kim,” you’ll say, your books clutched in your hands as if it was Sadie Hawkins all over again and you were waiting to be pranked by some girl you harbor a secret crush for.

“Huh?” she’ll respond, snapping her gum. You’ll take this as a good sign and keep going in headlong.

“So I’ve noticed you’re kind of mean and-” you’ll start, but she’ll cut you off.

“What are you talking about?” she’ll say, making a cutting gesture as she does so to indicate that you should stop speaking.

“Just...I like-“

“Cha! I bet you do, perv!” she’ll say, dropping her books to the floor. You’ll drop down to your knees and pick them up for her while she stands above you and looks bored. It’ll be as close as you’ve ever been to sex with a woman, and you’ll understand, somewhere in your adolescent brain, that this is basically what sex will be like for you the first dozen or so times.

When you stand up to hand her the books she’ll have the same contempt on her face that she had before. She’ll seem reluctant to accept them at first, but after you hold them in front of her for a full minute and a half she’ll finally acquiesce and take them. Once they’re in her arms she’ll give you a quick one armed shove backwards, tucking something into your pocket with the gesture.

“Fuck off,” she’ll say, turning around and walking down the hall, away from you.

You’ll unfold the piece of paper and read it. The script will be hastily scrawled, as if she’d written it standing up in the endless seconds while you were on the ground. It will read:

Leave your bedroom light on and a ladder in the bushes nearby. I’ll stop by.

You’ll scratch your head as she walks away, things to shout after her racing through your head, but none of them will really seem appropriate. In the end you’ll resolve to head home and turn your light on that night, firm in your knowledge that Kim is a crazy bitch with some serious problems who needs help.

When you have your hand firmly wedged up Kim’s shirt while she smiles and listens to you talk about the original Star Trek series you’ll reconsider your opinion. You’ll realize that maybe Kim isn’t that crazy. She’s just trying to survive and, in her own way, to have it all. Which will work out pretty well for you since you don’t really care about being publicly abused while you’re in high school by a super hot girl. It won’t seem like much of a price to pay with your hand wrapped around her B-cup, watching her smile.

Congratulations on Bucking the System!