Congratulations on Reminding Us Why We Don't Speak to People Named Zed!

There is, of course, a disclaimer that comes with this post – we still think it’s okay to speak to people named Zed assuming they are British secret agents who just use Zed as their code name This rule really only applies to American citizens from “real America,” and it runs double if you’re a teen whose car just broke down in one of those horrifying sections of “real America.”

This will be proven again today when a group of sex crazed teens stop outside of your gas station. You, in this case, are Zed Steevenz, a semi-literate mechanic and Vietnam war vet who spent most of the war delivering mail and choking prostitutes.

When you see those kids, laughing and smiling outside your store despite their troubles, you’ll feel rage that America can contain such joy and not involve you. So you’ll pull out your shotgun and open fire into the car, killing the driver and the passenger immediately. Then you’ll pull one of the remaining teens out of the back seat and bludgeon him to death with your wrench while his girlfriend watches in horror. After a moment of disbelief she’ll start screaming for help, which will draw the townspeople to the scene.

They’ll arrive to see you pounding what’s left of that poor boy’s skill into the pavement while his girlfriend weeps in the backseat. Clucking their tongues and chuckling at your irascible nature they’ll drag the young woman outside and kill her with an axe before calming you down. Then the whole town will have a laugh at “old Zed and his murdering ways,” before leading the car with the corpses on to a wrecker and taking it out into the hills where it can be quietly torched away from prying eyes as God intended it.

Congratulations on Reminding Us Why We Don’t Speak to People Named Zed!