Congratulations on Discovering Your Prowess as a Baker!

Most people who are captured by terrorists rapidly lose hope. They get to thinking about how they’ll be murdered or raped or both on camera and get all “Oh, woe is me! My life is over!” But not you. You raised three kids and turned them a gaggle of ungrateful shitfuckers into contributing members of society, you took a happy, fulfilled man and turned him into the broken down suicidal wretch that is your husband and you took a perfectly good human brain and turned it into a vault filled with useless quasi-Christian knowledge, and you’ll be damned if you’re going to let those terrorists determine the quality of life for you and your fellow missionaries over the next one to fifteen months.

That’s why after a week passes and the beatings quiet down you’ll start baking. It’ll be slow going at first since you’ll be a tiny mountain town in Afghanistan and most of what they’ll have is goats but through sheer will and a lot of dick sucking you’ll manage to get your hands on some flour. After that and a thorough goat-milking session you’ll set to making the most delicious sugar cookies that these freedom-haters will have ever tasted.

Fortunately for you the bar will pretty low. None of these people will have ever had cookies before, so the combination of goat milk, mealy flour and sugar normally used for making beet vodka even more alcoholic will floor everyone in the village. You’ll be hailed as some sort of brilliant Western prophet and be awarded several supple wives of questionable upbringing and crazy sexual talent. You’ll also get a crate of AK-47s and the potential to earn freedom for yourself and your friends from captivity in The Thunderdome.

What follows will be a rousing tale, the journey of the first white female warlord to rise to power in Afghanistan. It will have ups and downs and some people (morons) will call you the white Jackie Robinson of war crimes. But tonight, laying in bed feeling disgusted with yourself for indulging in sinful, incredibly hot lesbian intercourse, you’ll just reflect on how you wish you’d discovered your skill as a baker earlier in life, and that maybe two of your kids wouldn’t be in jail if you’d just made them cookies once or twice.

Congratulations on Discovering Your Prowess as a Baker!