Until Jerry started spouting today’s prediction we weren’t even aware that there were competitive wife beating contests. Even after we heard him talking about it with his eyes rolled into the back of his head and his voice a hellish snarling demonization of language we had to hop on Wikipedia and look it up before we really believed it. But it turns out that it’s a real thing, hosted each year in St. Petersburg, and this year you’re going to win.
It will be the first time America has won this storied contest since 1954, when non-white Africans were first permitted to participate. Turns out some of those guys out there can really beat.
The rules are simple: beat your wife nearly to death without killing her, leaving relatively few bruises. Bonus points will be awarded for particularly embarrassing bruises, such as finger marks around the throat. Black eyes disqualify wife beaters immediately, without exception.
You’ll use a technique consisting mostly of a strong backhand and WASPy psychological abuse. It’ll be called “The Tennis Techique,” or some Russian variation thereof, by the commentators and will earn you a place on that blood stained linoleum, your battered, fearful wife still clutching your arm, unsure of just what she did to deserve this.
Congratulations on Perfecting Your Backhand!
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