Congratulations on Winning A Game of Solitaire!

You’ve been home alone for weeks, skulking and crying your nights away. You’ve watched a lot of Netflix and smoked a lot of cigarettes down to their lonesome little filters. You’ve engaged in these two self-indulgent activities so much, in fact, that they’ve begun to stop giving you even a small respite from the pain of him leaving.

So today you’ll sit in your bed with a laptop with an open bottle of orange vodka and your laptop and play solitaire. You’ll fitter about with the program for a few hours, failing to win a single game. After almost throwing the laptop across the room in frustration you’ll simply gently close it and debate watching Evil Dead for the fifth time so you can force a few laughs out of your collapsing lungs.

But instead you’ll do the unthinkable. You’ll get out of your bed with your bottle of orange vodka and stumble to your den, where you’ll dig through boxes of shit from your childhood that your parents sent you when they decided to sell their house and move to Maine.

You’ll be pretty wasted by then, so it’ll take almost an hour and the place will be a total fucking mess by the time you’re done looking but at long last you’ll dig out a deck of real live cards from the vestiges of your childhood memories. Then you’ll sit down in your living from and lay them out in tiny piles on your coffee table, hunching there for almost two hours trying to win a game of solitaire.

Time and time again you’ll fail. Solitaire is just largely a game of chance, and your luck has been terrible of late. And the drinking won’t help, either. After the first hour and a half you’ll start cheating on solitaire subtly, flipping over cards one by one until you can look through the whole deck, the way you wish you’d been able to luck through his heart to see what you wanted.

This is how you’ll win, the only way you’ll wine tonight, sifting through a deck of cards breaking the rules you’d agreed to, alone in your apartment too drunk to cry.

Congratulations on winning a game of solitaire!