Congratulations on Killing Again!

You’re an up and coming serial killer living and operating in the Bay Area. By day you work in document control for a prominent company which specializes in class action lawsuits. By night you seduce and strangle attractive young coeds wearing the color orange and then proceed to dismember them and make their corpses into compasses before wandering off into the night.

Sometimes you get kind of lonely, being with so many people and never letting them in, but you take comfort in your work. You’ve murdered nine young women and six young men so far, an impressive track record, and you have a little game you play with each murder. You try to leave little hints at each scene by pointing the compass towards your residence.

You know it’s a bit of a risk, but your murders occur over a pretty large area. It’d take a lot of brains and work to zero in on you, and sometimes you’re not even sure that you’ve set the compass up right. But it gives some extra direction to your slaughter and makes you feel a little bit like the Riddler.

Anyhow, despite the loneliness and the self-doubt you find a strong sense of self and purpose in your butchering. But lately you’ve been having some second thoughts. What if the people you carve up aren’t just mindless dolls like the voices in your head tell you and actually have thoughts and feelings of their own?

After a week of moping about the things you’ve done and whether or not you’re in the right a second voice will appear in your head, confirming the information your first voice has passed on. You’ll assume, naturally enough, that they are God and Jesus Christ respectively, and that logically you must be a grandson that the bible left out by accident.

This will fill your heart with joy again and you’ll set out to find a new co-ed.

It won’t take long before you have a sweet young thing and her girlfriend back at your place (you’re very charismatic, like most serial killers and let’s face it, college kids respond to aggressive sexual advances unsettlingly well) and you’ll be extra excited to be performing your first double homicide.

You’ll be a little worried that this will somehow damage God’s plan for you, but you’ll be more worried about letting him and your new friend Jesus down. You’ll also be worried about how to work the details, like killing them both and depositing the bodies.

You’ll take a long time in the bathroom just stressing about the deets, but you’ll play it off like a pro. When you emerge you’ll tell them was just to help you prepare for your first three way (also true!) and then you’ll ask the hotter one to grab some champagne from your fridge.

She’ll smile and saunter off and you’ll start making out with her friend. She’ll totally be into it until you start choking her with a roller up handkerchief. Then she’ll freak out and try to kick you in the balls.

But this isn’t your first time at the rodeo, and you’ll have her down for the count. You’ll watch the life slowly drain of her eyes and with it you’ll feel the rush of the kill. You’ll feel giddy. You’ll feel indestructible.

You’ll be wrong. The last thing that will go through your head will be thoughts of how you’re going to rape the other girl before you murder her. As you fantasize poised atop your latest victim the hot friend will return, champagne bottle in hand.

She’ll move fast thinking that her friend is still alive and cave in your skull with one smooth blow (she studied Eskrima). The concussive force will cause massive internal hemorrhaging and she’ll have plenty of time to cradle her dead friend, weeping, before she calls the police and they finally set the record straight on all those murders.

Anyhow, congratulations on killing again. We’re not really sorry it ended this way, but if you’d like to try and keep the mystery alive a little longer you should dump out the collection of your victim’s hands that you’ve been keeping for a while now. It’d make the whole thing harder to piece together.