Congratulations to the Sandwich Hero of Sandusky, Ohio!

Prior to tomorrow night the only thing people will know about Sandusky is that it is the city from the film Tommy Boy. But come the day after tomorrow the nearly 80,000 inhabitants of Sandusky will have something new to be proud of. They’ll have you.

Tomorrow you’ll wake up like every other day. You’ll put on a short sleeve collared shirt and a paisley tie and you’ll go to work in the office of a local paper warehouse where you’ll count boxes of paper before they’re put on trucks.

By lunch time you’ll be praying for a bullet in your brain, just like every other lunch time.

But tomorrow fate has something other than staring in gun shop windows, contemplating ending it all in mind for you. Tomorrow you’re going to exit the warehouse parking lot and immediately notice a woman in a bikini holding a sign. It will read “FACE DESTINY!” and point towards the local fairgrounds.

You will immediately find it compelling. You will follow it to four more signs, all of them held by scantily clad women. You will follow this succession of signs to the fairgrounds.

When you arrive there will be a crowd gathered around a man with a cowboy hat and a little cow skull necktie. He’ll be guffawing as the crowd boos him. Nearby there will be a pair of six-foot-party subs. He’ll gesture at them broadly.

“Well,” he’ll say. “I didn’t know Sandusky was full of pussies! But I guess it is!” The crowd’s boos will increase in volume, but no one will step forward since while all of Sandusky is not, in fact, populated by pussies many of the people who work in the industrial district are huge pussies which is why they’ve become stuck in dead end jobs in a shrinking economic region.

Not knowing what’s going on, but not wanting to seem like a pussy, you’ll step forward to confront the Texan about his rudeness in as passive-aggressive a fashion as possible. But after you move past the line of the crowd everyone around you will take a step back.

The Texan will smile.

“Well, I guess one of you has some balls after all.” He’ll push his hat up in an exceedingly folksy gesture. “Shoot.”

“Damn right,” you’ll say. Then you’ll wipe your hand across your mouth as if you were bleeding, even though you weren’t. This will puzzle the crowd, but they’ll cheer anyway and you’ll step forward, still not understanding what’s going on.

Eventually you catch on that it’s an eating contest, and that you’re in a race to finish that six-foot sub before the Texan who, as it turns out, is an oil baron (OF COURSE!). We’d give you the dramatic play by play, but the story rights are actually already in contention (Even though it’s happening in the future. You’ve got one hell of a legal team, buddy!)

Long story short, you’ll win and the Texan will leave town, shamed, after giving you a check for one billion dollars. You can do with it what you will. We suggest quitting your dead end job and leaving Sandusky, though, even though you’ll always be a folk hero in that crazy little podunk town.

Congratulations to the Sandwich Hero of Sandusky, Ohio!