Congratulations Anyways Mouseketeer!

When you were young, you were a star.

This is what you tell yourself. You were, in fact, one of a legion of smiling, interchangeable youths who could have had their personalities surgically removed without anyone ever noticing.

Lately, things have been worse for you. You’ve been bouncing from dead end job to dead end job, occasionally trying your hand at acting.

Results have been pretty abysmal. You’ve been a corpse a few times on various Law and Orders and CSIs. So far, the biggest adult role you landed was as “rape victim #3” in an episode of SVU.

Depression has hit you hard, of late. You’re pushing thirty and, as you know, thirty is when your dreams rot, fall off, and die if you haven’t accomplished them yet. So you’ve been trying that much harder to land a movie role.

Your most recent audition was for The Lost Boys 2, a sequel to the upcoming remake of the original Lost Boys film. You were auditioning for the part that Corey Haim almost didn’t receive in the first remake, and you were lucky enough to meet him briefly during the audition process.

Turns out he’s a really nice, down to earth guy underneath it all and the two of you have a lot of the same problems. You both feel that you peaked long before you could’ve appreciated it, you both had serious drug problems in your teens, and you were both molested and didn’t talk about it for way too long. Oh, and you’re both broke.

Anyhow, this meeting will give you the confidence you always needed and you’ll nail the audition and land the part. You’ll feel like this is finally your chance to get your life on track, like this could jump start your career at long last. It might not be glamorous at first but at the very least it could get you a few Sci-Fi channel roles, enough to pay the bills doing what you love.

Unfortunately, your rising star will be snuffed out when Corey Haim breaks into your apartment tomorrow night and murders you in your sleep. He’ll then remove your skin and wears it to the first day of shooting, trying to pretend that he’s you. He’ll be caught immediately.

Lucky you, however, you will be remembered forever as the man Corey Haim brutally murdered when he finally snapped. So that’s got to count for something. At the very least it will get you some air time on a very special The Two Coreys episode.