Congratulations on Assembling a Consortium of the Willing!

You’ve been working your ass off trying to get the right people together, and come Friday you’ll finally have most of them agreeing with you.

You’ll be seated around a conference table in the business center of your local Holiday Inn, because it’s cheaper than renting a real meeting space and because your home has too many distractions.

Around the table you’ll have collected a number of famed academics, thinkers, public servants, and the heads of a number of banks.

“Gentlemen,” you’ll begin, “we are here today to try and solve the encroaching economic crisis.” They’ll nod in affirmation. This will indeed be the stated purpose of the meeting. “I’d like to begin by opening the floor for ideas. Let’s get a nice brainstorm going, guys.”

The table’s occupants will shrug and just try to go with it. A professor of economics from the University of Minnesota and a bank president will raise their hands at the same time. You’ll ask them to rock-paper-scissors to determine who gets to speak first, and the professor will win.

He’ll thoughtfully outline an idea of widespread economic reform, where the ultimate goal of annual growth is replaced with one of sustainability and technological advancement. He suggests that the state take emergency control of financial institutions in order to ensure that they are properly regulated and the excesses of the past are not repeated.

The majority of the academics and leaders will consider the idea thoughtfully. They’ll sit down and stroke their chins, considering the options and the ramifications of creating such a state. The bankers, however, will all have a glazed look to their eyes and open, drooling mouths.

After a few seconds of what is pensive silence for some and awkward silence for others, the banker will raise his hand again. You’ll nod at him.

“What if we did what we always do during times of crisis?” The attendees will look at one another, then to the banker in curiosity. He’ll already have zoned out, however, staring at what could be a spider on the ceiling.

“And what would that be?” you’ll ask.

“Oh,” he’ll say, snapping back to attention. “Give ourselves raises and pretend this isn’t a real problem.” He’ll shrug. “Always worked before.”

You’ll shake your head, as will the majority of the conference goers. But the bankers will all be nodding in assent and saying “harumph” without knowing what that means.

When various academics and world leaders bring up that that idea is retarded all of the bankers will start screaming “You are!” in a horrifying unison. They won’t stop until everyone except you has left the room.

Then they’ll approve their plan, having a unanimous vote in favor of pay raises for themselves and “donkey punches” for all other meeting-goers, to be administered at a later date. This will be followed by a series of high fives and chest bumps, excessive use of the phrase “bro” and continued sustained economic decline.

Congratulations assembling a consortium of the willing, though! This is pretty much what all of us expected when you set out to do this.