Congratulations on Murdering Dave Grohl!

Hello madam. You’ve been institutionalized in various mental care facilities for the past decade thanks to a laundry list of chemical and behavioral problems largely caused by walking in on your parents doing it one time and being used for various drug tests by Merck as a baby, but there’s good news on the way!

You’re going to be released at long last come Thursday. They’ll give you a little bit of cash to get some new clothes, a room in a halfway house and enough drugs to keep you balanced for a good while.

However, since you’re a crazy bitch, you’ll see nothing wrong with trading these drugs almost immediately for tickets to a Foo Fighters concert. In your defense, you’ve never been to a concert before, and the idea excites you, while the thought of taking all those meds for the rest of your life makes you sad in a way that the Paxil doesn’t completely fix.

You’ve been a fan of Dave Grohl since he was in Nirvana, and more than anything else you’ve wanted to experience their music live. Last time you were on the outside they were your favorite band, and you can only assume that they’ve gotten better with time.

You’re going to be sorely disappointed.

After the show you’ll use your powers of crazy to sneak back stage and inform the band of your disappointment. However, the moment you lay eyes on Dave Grohl you’re just going to start fellating him. After about a minute and a half of that he’ll be done and you’ll be in food mood swing mode.

This will inevitably lead to you decapitating him with a razor blade you keep in your coat at all times. While it won’t take long, it will be incredibly painful, and he’ll be in agony for the duration.

His last words will be “But...I’m Dave Grohl...” although his speech will be occluded by all of the blood filling his throat.

Anyhow, you’ll be arrested in fifteen minutes, acquitted in a year and a half and celebrated as a hero. Then its time for you to tour the lecture circuit until it all collapses and you end up under a bridge, sucking dick for change so you can try to score speed.

For now, though, enjoy the ride and congratulations on murdering Dave Grohl!