Congratulations on Awaking in a Tub Full of Ice!

We’d like to say that this is a one in a million thing. We’d really like to. But this is the fifth time this has happened in the last year. Its happened six times over the course of your life in the state of Nevada alone. So, of course, your recent vacation to Alberta is going to involve you blacking out.

With your addiction to prostitutes and your prediliction for blacking out, its no surprise that this happens so often. But you’d think you’d wise up. You know, take them back to your hotel room, inform security that you’d like them to check in with you at some point in the next three hours and make sure you’re alive.

But no, you’ll just waltz on by and call the one with spiky hair a fag, increasing his already prevalent desire for you to die. Then the two prostitutes (one of whom obviousl has a dick) will accompany you into the elevator, and your memory will end there.

Security footage and our uncanny visions have allowed us to piece together most of these events, however.

You will exit the elevator and enter your room, where the prostitutes will proceed to perform oral sex on one another while making you do body shots until you lose consciousness. Then they’ll dress themselves in robes and drag you to a tub that they’ll rapidly fill with ice in order to keep you subdued.

The one with a dick will chant, reading from a book for around 45 minutes while the other one lights some candles and sprinkles flower petals and hemlock root on your unconscious body.

Eventually, they’ll join in song. This is what will rouse you from your slumber. By this time the one with a dick will be up next to you, chanting and moaning directly above you. S/he’ll almost be screaming in exstacy, holding a knife just a few inches from your chest.

Then she’ll kiss you on the mouth, violently and passionately. It will be the single most forceful kiss you’ve ever experienced. Before s/he finishes the kiss, however, she’ll plunge her knife deep into your chest and darkness will take your eyes.

But before you pass you’re going to see some sweet titties.

Congratulations on awaking in a tub full of ice. Hooray titties!