Congratulations Unfortunately Named Scientist!

You’re a scientist and today you’re going to discover a new element. There’s only one problem: you have a terrible name.

Other scientists end up with cool elements named after them, or at least get a decent animal or particle named after them. But you’re going to end up with an element called Boringium named after you because your name is James Boring and you didn’t have the presence of mind to change your name before you went into science. So the way we see it you’ve got two choices:

Choice the first. You run down to the city courthouse and immediately schedule a name change. You’ll explain to the judge that you made an awesome scientific discovery of an element that may cure cancer, erectile dysfunction and a bunch of other shit that people normally get psyched about. Then you’ll offer to blow him in his chambers if he’ll change your name right away.

Possible downsides of this choice include the element being named after you anyway, or the judge fudging the paperwork so your name is James Homoface now. Homofacium is still a better element name than Boringium, but it’s not that big an improvement. Plus, this sort of a relationship with a judge can only end with one or both of you dying in a contract killing intended to squelch any knowledge of the sort of backroom dealings you’ve been engaging in.

The second choice is simpler: just come to terms with the fact that your name is Boring. Own it. Become Mr. Boring. Be so awesome that when people call you Mister Boring there’s no chance they mean it as an insult. Make your life the sort of constant parade of interesting events that can only be inhabited by a very interesting man with the unfortunate last name of Boring.

We know you’ll probably be going with the first option, and that you’ll probably end up dead in two months. But we wanted to try so that you could go on an accomplish more shit in the scientific community. We’re funny like that.

Congratulations Unfortunately Named Scientist!