Congratulations on Saving the Planet by Fucking!

Today you’re an ecologist and you’re going to save the planet.

“With science?” you’ll ask, your heart filled with hope. But the answer is, of course, no. Who the fuck are you trying to fool? You’re an ecologist. There are so many other more scientific professions, including linguists for fuck’s sake. And nearly all of them are better suited to saving the world than your slutty ass.

No, you’re going to find yourself kidnapped by a super villain who wanted to nail you in college. Back then he was a nice young chemistry major, and pretty much the only boy who ever asked you out that you didn’t immediately take up on his offer and fuck until he could no longer walk. He’s going to be pretty pissed, and he’s going to have a giant laser pointed at Greenland which, as it turns out, is actually one giant volcano.

We’d encourage you to check our facts here, but it’s fucking Greenland, so we know no one’s going to. If they did they’d find that Greenland is just lousy with magma, and one good laser blast will make the entire thing go kablooie all over the northern hemisphere. And if the northern hemisphere gets blasted there might as well be no planet anymore, because the southern hemisphere pretty much has a handful of nice beaches and fuck all else.

Once you get to your old non-fuck buddy’s lair he’ll treat you to a lovely dinner where you’ll be chained to a table. He’ll lecture you for some time on how ecology isn’t a real science, upsetting you in the process. Then he’ll talk about how many is killing the planet and your knees will turn to jelly.

“I never saw this in you before,” you’ll whisper into his ear once you’ve finally gotten him close to you.

“Well, I was nice in college,” he’ll reply like a normal person. “Now I’m kind of an asshole.”

“Give me one free hand and I’ll make sure you’re a happy asshole,” you’ll say, licking your lips. He’ll unlock one of your hands and you’ll give him a handjob that will turn into a whole lot else.

When the whole thing is over and done with you’ll be unconscious on the table and he’ll no longer want to destroy the planet. He’ll be happy, content for the time being. But, just to warn you, you will have given him herpes. So if you want to stay alive past tonight you should probably get out of there fast.

Congratulations on Saving the Planet by Fucking!