Congratulations on Manipulating Your Loved Ones Into Buying You DVDs!

Today it’s your birthday. And that means you gave your family and friends a “list” of “gift ideas” that they could “buy” for you if they were so inclined.

But all of these gifts are desperate cries for help. Everybody Loves Raymond, seasons one and two on DVD? Exporting Raymond, the documentary about Ray Romano’s producer visiting Russia to see if it was worth it to develop a Russian Everybody Loves Raymond? Welcome to Mooseport, the movie our readers just Wikipediaed to make sure it was that unwatchable piece of dross they thought they remembered seeing a trailer for way back in the winter of 2003?

And the worst part of all this, the part that breaks our hearts here at Sexy Results Future Agency and Pie Shoppe (we don’t see it lasting long), is that your loved ones are all going to pitch in and buy you every single one of those DVDs. In fact, you’ll end up with two Everybody Loves Raymond box sets, more than you ever thought you’d get. You’ll think about returning them, but you’ll be so excited at the prospect of watching the same episode of Everybody Loves Raymond on two TVs at once that you’ll decide not to. Instead you’ll keep them and watch them, alone in your apartment on your birthday while your family weeps outside on the street and your friends drink in a nearby bar, lamenting how incredibly depressing your life has become ever since you discovered that fucking show.

Congratulations on Manipulating Your Loved Ones Into Buying You DVDs!