Congratulations on Using Butter As Lube!

We’ve all done it. We’re banging our wives and we run out of lube and we’re like “Hey, butter is kind of lube-like.” So we slip into the kitchen, rub our dicks into butter until the body heat melts it and then we’re back in the bedroom getting anal out of the trade Quaker style.

But here’s the thing. It’s not a great idea to use butter as lube when you’re fucking a cow. Right off, fucking the cow is a bad idea in the first place. Second off, you’re using the cow’s own milk to fuck it which is kind of hot, sure, but it’s really just pretty sick because the cow isn’t complicit in it at all. It’s like you’re raping a cow with the sustenance that would normally go to its little fucking cow baby. Third off, cows are kickers sometimes, and nothing says no like a hoof to the balls.

You’re going to learn this last lesson the hard way today when Bessie, upset over your latest amorous intrusion, bucks your dick out of her cowgina (a word we made up for cow vagina just now) and lands a nice big back kick right on your dick.

The coating of butter on your genitals will offer you no protection. Her hooves will rip the flesh of your penis and catch on your scrotum, tearing it as she returns her feet to the ground. This will make your testicles spill out of the ruined sack of flesh that once held them, and the residue of the butter will make the already excruciating pain unbearable.

“Aggh!” you’ll shout at your cow. “Fucking whore!”

Your cow will look at you lazily and resume chewing her cud, which is what she was doing before you tried to get your dick in her. We hope this is a lesson to you about why you shouldn’t try raping cows and also why girls in general don’t like you.

Congratulations on Using Butter As Lube!