Congratulations on Letting Your Cat Convince You You Don't Have AIDS!

STDs are a thing that happen to people, and getting tested for them is the responsible thing to do. So you shouldn’t feel ashamed about that. And being a little nervous about the results is also the most natural thing in the world, so don’t feel weird about that. But you can take it a little far.

For example, you can sit on your couch wondering if you have AIDS. Not wondering if you have AIDS because you fucked a dude and it turned out that he died of AIDS months later. You’re actually a pretty big dyke, so that isn’t too likely. Just wondering if you have AIDS because you’re the kind of person who imagines the worst possible scenario and tries to make it real in their head.

But don’t despair. Because that same trait also forced you to buy a cat and heap all your hopes, fears and dreams on its fuzzy little head. So while you sit next to the phone with a bag of Funyuns, waiting to hear back from Planned Parenthood to find out if your vageen is going to turn black and fall off your precious little cat is going to do what cats do and nuzzle up because its bored and it wants to see how you’ll react.

You’ll pet her, and she’ll purr, which will convince you that you don’t have AIDS. You’ll know somewhere deep in your soul of souls that cats couldn’t possibly love a person with AIDS. Then you’ll feel kind of horrible for realizing that, but that feeling won’t last too long because you’ll just be so, so excited that you don’t have AIDS.

We wish we could see the look on your face when you get the test results back and find out that you do in fact have Chlamydia, though.

Congratulations on Letting Your Cat Convince You You Don’t Have AIDS!