Congratulations Effete Weight Lifter!

You’re a super buff dude who lifts weights all the time. It’s your thing. You’re jacked, huge, whatever thing you like to say about people who are big and strong and tough. But there’s one little problem: you’re kind of fey.

You’re not gay. That would be kind of awesome, since you’re surrounded by dudes who work out and clearly like other dudes who work out all the time. You’re just really girly. You lisp and wear pink tank tops and short shorts. You’re gay and super buff.

Suffice it to say you’re in an awkward spot socially. The gay weightlifters, the balance of the crowd, all want to fuck you. This means they’re unwilling to form real friendships with you. And the straight weightlifters are all threatened by the fact that you make them question their sexuality and the security you have with yourself. Most weightlifters are driven by a serious insecurity towards crafting and honing their bodies into tools for combating the issues they could never bring up with their fathers, and someone with self-esteem who just likes rigorous exercise drives those assholes crazy.

So most of your time at the gym is just spent working on your lats or quads or whatever. It really doesn’t matter what bullshit terminology you apply, it’s mostly spent isolating yourself from the environment you’ve built around yourself. But today you’re going to find your niche.

Today your gym is going to come under fire from a richer, more popular gym. That gym is going to be filled with assholes. Bigger assholes than the people populating your gym, which is no mean feat. And these assholes will be bent on nothing less than the total annexation of your gym and all associated gym-going activities. Suffice it to say this will be totally uncool.

So you’ll do what you have to do as a gym go-er who plans on defending his gym: you’ll challenge the rival gym to a weight-lifting off.

When you arrive the rival gym will have fancier uniforms, more aggression and an Asian dude who will just be hanging out for some reason. But you’ll have something far more important than any random Asian dude: heart.

You’ll step up to the weight lifting competition and lift the shit out of a whole bunch of weights. We’d go into greater detail, but the whole contest will actually be super fucking boring. Like, crazy, unbelievable boring. We’ll basically want to pass out and one of us (Eve) will be there watching, will be a heterosexual woman who likes really cut straight dudes with a fem side and even she’ll have trouble staying away. But in the end you’ll win because this is America and whenever something other than corporate law is on the line the underdog always has to win here.

So you’re going to prove you’re awesome at lifting weights, you’re going to become socially accepted among your peers and you’re going to have unsatisfying victory sex with one of our more emotionally dysfunctional employees all in one day. The end result is that you’ll feel pretty okay about being you.

Congratulations Effete Weight Lifter!