Congratulations Stodgy Business Man!

You’re a business man from the 20s who is, for some reason, alive in today’s society. You have a monocle and everything. You read print newspapers. And you’re constantly shocked by the world around you.

“My word!” you’ll cry as a woman walks by in a skirt that shows off the bottoms of her thighs. “What a bawdy young harlot!” you’ll shout after her, making her turn around as she goes and flip you the bird. “Mayhaps later, milady!” you’ll shout as she crosses the street.

“What is this?” you’ll muse as you step on to an elevator and meet a black man in a suit and glasses.

“Excuse me?” he’ll respond, but you’ll pretend you didn’t hear him. He’ll let it go and when he gets to his floor he’ll step off the elevator and you’ll wait until the doors are closing before you shout.

“Nigger!”

He’ll turn and run towards the door, but they’ll have closed before he gets a chance to beat the living shit out of you. You’ll chortle at yourself in the elevator and slap your knee, taking great pleasure in his discomfort. You’ll amuse yourself with thoughts of his rage until you notice an Oriental (actually, he’s Korean, but you don’t know that word because you’re a 1920s racist) staring at you.

“Pardon good Chinaman,” you’ll say, putting your hands together and awkwardly bowing to him. “Would you know where I could happen upon an opium den?”

His jaw will drop, and he’ll step off of the elevator at the next stop, even though he’ll have to take five flights of stairs to get to his destination that way.

“Wonder what troubled that slant eye!” you’ll shout too loud after he leaves, generating another supernaturally awkward silence with your words. You’ll let it sink in for a little while before you slap the bottom of a woman in a pants suit and shout.

“Bloomers!”

Congratulations Stodgy Business Man!