Congratulations on Hitting Your Wife in the Face with a Corona!

Today you’re going to be at a beach party filled with beautiful women. Like, an entire beach, end to end, covered with a sea of available women. And you, as a single man, will feel kind of overwhelmed. You’ll have flirted with several already, and it will have gone horribly wrong each and every time.

The first time you’ll compliment one of them on her eyes, and she’ll smile and then run off with someone who is trying to spray her and a bunch of other women with a hose. The second time you’ll try to offer one weed in exchange for a handjob, but instead of giving you a handjob she’ll just take all your money and laugh at how small your penis is. The third time you’ll offer to buy a girl a drink and she’ll just throw up on you.

It’ll be pretty normal spring break fare. It happens to everyone at one point or another. But it’s not what you wanted. You wanted whirlwind romance and dancing fun times. You wanted love, in all its messy, fluid swapping glory. And you’re not going to stop until you get it.

You’ve spent most of this morning trying to be mean to girls, but you’re just not hot enough for that strategy to work. So in a fit of frustration you’re going to just hurl a beer bottle into the crowd. It won’t be an attempt to accomplish anything, it’ll just be a gesture of frustration at the futility of your efforts. But, against all odds, you’ll catch a girl in the skull and she’ll go down with a grunt.

The spring breakers will assume that she’s just lost consciousness from drinking too much, but you’ll know the truth. You’ll run to her side in a panic, worried that you’ve killed someone. But when you get to her you’ll just see her there in a peaceful repose, a grimace on her face from the moment the bottle hit her.

“Shit!” you’ll say, slapping her face to wake her up. You’ll have gotten the idea from a cartoon you saw when you were a kid and, like most of the ideas you get from cartoons, it’ll work marvelously.

“Wha?” she’ll say as she regains consciousness, her eyes fluttering open. They’ll be the deepest, most wonderful shade of brown you’ll ever have seen.

“Thank god you’re alright,” you’ll say, hugging your body next to hers.

“Aww, you’re sweet,” she’ll mumble, patting on you on the head as you help get her to her feet and assist her in hobbling to the nearest medical tent. She’ll be cleared a short while later and the two of you will bone later that night. It’ll be so-so.

Congratulations on Hitting Your Wife in the Face with a Corona!