Congratulations on Discovering Lazy Boys!

You’re an overweight white man, so there are actually quite a few products that have been made just for you. Fruit Rollups, pickup trucks and Rascal Scooters. But none are quite so dedicated to the retention and advancement of fat white people as the Lazy Boy recliner, a chair whose very name emphasizes how much of a waste of life its users are. Therein lies the irony. You, possibly the laziest of boys, have yet to discover the amazing relaxation afforded to you by a Lazy Boy recliner.

Today that will be rectified.

You’ll be riding your Rascal through a Sears department store, pausing occasionally to use your little grabby-thing to pull various items off of shelves, occasionally into your Rascal’s shopping basket, and you’ll be feeling unusually melancholy.

Normally this feeling is just a side effect of your heart dying at an accelerated pace. But today it’ll be more profound, more emotional in nature. It’ll be the creeping sadness that strikes your lungs and tells you that everything everywhere is horrible and that if you don’t find the true light of the world you will surely die with this feeling wrapped around your heart like a boa constrictor.

This feeling will chase you throughout the Sears superstore as you wander its halls to grab items and, occasionally, just scatter shit to the floor to watch some hapless employee pick it up minutes later, glaring at your fat ass while he does so. This will make you feel a little better each time, but not enough to risk potentially being kicked out of Sears.

So after a while you’ll just wander. You’ll drive past the big-screen TVs, zoom through the garden supply section, chortling at the young people as they purchase seeds and trowels, and pause occasionally in the air conditioner section to think about what being hit by a falling air conditioner would feel like. These misadventures will provide you with a brief distraction, but their true purpose will quickly become clear when you stumble upon a section of furniture dedicated exclusively to lounging.

The concept of lounging will be super appealing on its own to you. But when you spy the variety of lounging apparatus available to you you’ll immediately start calculating just how much that fat ass disability check of yours can buy.

You’ll survey dozens of couches, considering their sit-ability with your eye, but you’ll be very careful not to actually sit down on any because you’d most likely break them and then you’d have to pay for them which isn’t in your day planner. You’ll eye each one carefully, imagining what it would be like to realize that you have to take a dump while seated on it, how hard it would be to get up. And that’s when you’ll see her.

She’ll be a Lazy Boy recliner with a method of “ejection” designed primarily to help the elderly get to their feet. She’ll be capable of supporting two metric tons without buckling and she’ll have buttons that prevent you from doing any actual work if you want to recline.

At that moment you’ll fall in love.

Congratulations on Discovering Lazy Boys!