Congratulations Solo Artist!

Plenty of people try to make a living as jazz musicians, and you know how they end up? They end up homeless, on the street, sucking dick for food and meth. But that’s not the life for you. Your daddy didn’t make all that money as a congressman, defrauding American citizens and taking corporate kickbacks, so you could end up sleeping under an overpass because you’ve always wanted to blow that beautiful horn to make your way in the world.

So today you’re going to step into a record executive’s office and slam your horn down on his desk.

“That could damage the instrument,” he’ll say, looking up the body of your horn, along the length of your arm, up to your face, which will be fixed with a determined glare.

“Never tell me the odds,” you’ll muter back at him.

“What?” he’ll say, genuinely confused.

Then you’ll drop a Kinko’s printed document on the desk in front of him, fifty pages strong. It’ll outline your plan to rise to fame as a jazz star over the course of a decade, to grow as an impresario until your fame is known and recognized across the world, and then explode into alcoholism and drug abuse at the height of your popularity.

Following your severe decline you’ll then engage in a campaign of rebuilding yourself as a person, triumphantly returning to the music scene with a handful of albums before gracefully retiring. The plan calls for you to be a renowned musician who makes shitty solo tracks that go on too long, the only thing you’re really capable of producing as a musician. People would normally assume that this is just a result of your lack of talent, which is totally true, but because of the complicated narrative you’re planning on surrounding yourself with as an artist they’ll instead attribute it to your tremendous pain.

It’ll have all the ingredients to make you a hit musician, a public relations nightmare and a record sales staple. The recording executive will look up at you after reading through your document and smile.

“Looks like you’ve got a bright future, kid,” he’ll say.

It’ll be the first line in the movie you outlined in the script, just as you wanted it to be said. The two of you will laugh and laugh and laugh before he has you sign some papers that insure that the vast majority of the earnings from your escapades over the next few years go to him.

Congratulations Solo Artist!