Congratulations Cosplay Champion!

Many people dress up like characters for fun. And many people, especially attractive women such as yourself, look good doing it. It nets them attention, free shit at conventions and, upon occasion, awards. But these are paltry rewards to one such as yourself.

Today you’re going to try and step beyond the bounds of those paltry rewards and acquire something far, far more interesting: a scepter that allows complete control over convention scheduling on the continent of North America. One exists for every continent, and if any of our readers haven’t heard about this shit yet it’s probably because they got laid during high school. Losers.

In order to acquire this item you’ll have to enter yourself into the Cosplay Championships, located in horrible Las Vegas, Nevada. The first step towards entering the contest will be gaining entry to the convention hall where it’s taking place. But you’ll have this down pat.

You’ll show up straight from the airport, still dressed in the Chun Li outfit that you travelled in. You’ll battle your way through the guards, using only moves that Chun Li used in Street Fighter 2. After the last ball of blue energy has landed and the last guard’s wife is widowed you’ll step into the convention hall, pick up your badge, and change into your casual costume.

This will mean finding a bathroom which, again, will involve fighting, again, in character. It’ll mostly go by pretty easily, except for the one girl in line who is dressed like Cammy, also from Street Fighter 2 (Turbo Edition, she’ll be wearing the red color scheme because it goes with her eyes better than the standard green) who you’ll stop fighting when it becomes obvious that two stalls have opened up so that you can both change.

Once in the bathroom you’ll don your full Bayonetta costume, complete with actual, loaded guns that you fire using weird vagina magic. It’ll be super dangerous, but it’ll look amazing. Even the other hot girls at the convention will stop and stare as you go by, and when you finally get to the stage where they’re judging the costume contest, you’ll have a hushed following behind you, watching your every move, mumbling over your every gesture. It’ll give you the final boost of confidence you needed to step on stage and sign your name on the sheet.

“I’ve got this,” you’ll whisper in the ear of the bespectacled gay man administrating the affair. He’ll smile and nod, patting you on the back.

“Okay.”

His tone won’t be quite so sarcastic when he calls you up to the stage two and a half hours later. By this time you’ll be dressed in full Victorian period garb, a katana slung across your back and pearl pins in your hair. You’ll be the greatest Elizabeth Bennet that anyone has ever seen, and your combination of classicism cred and nerd cred will stun the judges.

We’d detail the events that will determine the contest but, to be totally honest, except for the zombie fight they’re all kind of boring. That’ll be great, though, and you’re going to do awesome at all of them. Eventually you’ll win the contest, get the scepter and use its powers to finally get a convention worth attending into the Midwest when Penny Arcade unexpectedly announces PAX Central, 2012.

Congratulations Cosplay Champion!