Congratulations on Remembering Your Cock Sock!

There’s a lot of shit they don’t tell you when you first become an actor. First, right off the bat, most people on set at any given moment are super fucking naked. Unbelievably naked. If they were any more naked you’d lose your shit the moment you walked on set. Second off, actors who don’t do nudity, not just during scenes where they’re supposed to be filmed nude but during scenes where they’re just on camera and certain parts of their body aren’t being filmed, are universally reviled as pussies.

That’s why Tom Cruise showed everyone his penis back in the day, before he was gay. That’s why Thomas Hayden Church gets so much sweet ass work (his dick is huge) and that’s why if you don’t show up to work with a cock sock your dick is going to end up on either Youtube or the silver screen, depending on how good you are and how nice your dick looks. And that’s why people keep hiring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson and paying them so much money even though they’re way too old to get real jobs: they just want them to stop displaying their penises.

Today you’re going to show up for your second day on set, your first on camera, and people are going to tell you to strip. Immediately. Not just for the sake of being on set, but so that you can shoot a love scene with actress Halle Barry.

“What if I get a boner?” you’ll ask the second assistant-camera man.

“Stick it in,” he’ll shrug. “It’ll make for good b-roll, even if shit goes wrong.”

You’ll start to panic, sweat flooding your pores, eyes widening. You’ll rush to your dressing room, which is what they call the broom closet where you drop your shit and get fitted by wardrobe, and start rifling through your bags in search of some salvation.

Luckily for you your uncle told you about all this. He told you, and he made sure you were prepared. “Take this, kid,” he said when he sent you on your way out from Omaha, handing you a flesh colored pasty that fit snugly around your balls. “Always carry it with you.”

You always followed your uncle’s advice, since he never tried to molest you, and today will be no different. You’ll rummage through your bag and, after a long dramatic pause, remove your flesh colored pasty from your luggage.

“Thank Christ,” you’ll exhale, stripping and putting your cock sock on so that it fits snugly around your junk.

When you get out in front of the camera, inches from Halle Barry’s vagina, people will be a little disappointed that they won’t get to see you nail her. But the director will love the touch.

“It adds longing to the scene!” he’ll cry, applauding. The crew will follow his lead, but they’ll still all look kinda sad. But this is Hollywood, and the crew doesn’t matter. So it won’t really make any difference, and when the production ends you’ll have lined up another job for yourself. Because you’ll have come off as a professional, and directors, they love professionals.

Congratulations on Remembering Your Cock Sock!