Congratulations Failed Cover Musician!

You’re part of a Hall and Oates cover band, and today it’s going to break up.

“We don’t really know a whole lot about Hall and Oates,” your band-mates will inform you. “We sort of just heard the name and thought a cover band might be a good idea.”

“You’re missing the big picture!” you’ll scream at them, spittle flying from your mouth. “That’s the whole point! We’re bringing fresh energy to the table!”

They’ll look at each other like they realize you’ve finally lost it. There were a lot of other occasions where they should’ve been able to see this coming, like the time you insisted on starting up a Guns and Roses resurrection cover band immediately after your Guns and Roses cover band failed “for symmetry’s sake.” Or the time you insisted on experimenting with a Plastic Ono Band cover band. There was even a brief stint where you covered Captain Beefheart songs, which lasted up until you first listened to Captain Beefheart.

But today they’ll finally catch on. They’ll turn and walk away from you, the way they should’ve when you recommended that you start a cover band to cover other cover bands. And in walking away they’ll finally grant you the perspective you need, and cement the fact that being a cover musician is not a good way to make a living.

So in a lot of ways this is a really good thing. You’re going to be able to get your life on track, you might be able to start dating again, and you might even develop interests other than being in a cover band. All excellent developments.

Unfortunately, you’re also going to try writing songs, which is going to be pretty awful, and people are still going to have to listen to you play the guitar, which is basically a war crime against anyone with ears.

Congratulations Failed Cover Musician!