Congratulations Light Bulb Baby!

Today you’re the child of Light Bulb Millionaire James “Not Shaquille O’Neil” Shackman, the biggest light bulb baron on the west coast. If anyone from Barstow to Fairbanks has a light bulb it’s because of the empire your daddy built out of grit and the blood of men who stood in his way. He’s got a reputation as a take-no-prisoners son of a bitch who would just as soon cross a man as look at him, and in an effort to curtail his empire’s spread a group of men are going to take you hostage today.

“Shut the fuck up, baby!” one of them will shout, shoving a gun into your face.

“You didn’t see nothing!” another will scream at the surrounding day care workers as they look on, helpless, in horror as your abduction unfolds before them.

The kidnappers will be terrible at their job.

They’ll load you into a Camry with Washington plates and drive as fast as they can across the border into Vancouver, where they believe your father is unlikely to find. Vancouver Washington, not the good Vancouver.

Once they’re across the border they’ll take you to a warehouse where a friend of theirs works and has constructed a makeshift play-area in the back. They’ll unload you, take some shaky cell-phone video and send it to your dad who, shocker, will have already been contacted by the police who will be enroute to your location already.

When the police arrive the kidnappers will be taking turns playing with while they play Settlers of Catan on an upturned box and drink PBR.

“Free Mumia!” one of them will shout as the police beat him. The rest will remain quiet and be handcuffed with a modicum of dignity, dragging their feet as they’re hauled off to county jail to await trial.

Your father will be relieved that you’re found, but he’ll see you as a liability now, not a treasure to cherish and love. He’ll start coming up with elaborate ways to protect you while simultaneously distancing himself from you emotionally, both to spare you the potential dangers of being close to him and to make sure that anyone who goes after you will do so with the knowledge that your pappy is a cold, cold man even to his daughter.

By the time your kidnappers are sentenced and the first one is murdered in prison by a man your father bribed with a bunch of candy bars and heated lubes you’ll already be experiencing the aftereffects of your father’s neglect. You’ll see the world as a cold, hostile place filled with people who hate you, and you’ll seek out the attention of men long before it’s appropriate.

Eventually your therapist will trace it all back to this day, when some fucking hipster kidnappers who don’t understand how light bulb distribution works ruined your relationship with your dad and, through this, your ability to have healthy romances in your life.

Congratulations Light Bulb Baby!