Congratulations Shitty Wizard!

Today you’re a wizard, but you’re a wizard with a very limited array of powers. Really just one. Whenever you wiggle your fingers you can make the nearest attractive woman fart. If no attractive woman is nearby, or if some other sort of conflict emerges, then a sliding scale of attractiveness and distance decides who farts. Someone always farts when you wiggle your fingers though.

For the most part this hasn’t gotten you too far in life. It’s not much of a marketable skill, and, let’s be honest, aside from this you’re kind of a loser. But today all that’s going to change.

You’re going to walk into the offices of your local beauty pageant which, because you’re in the south, is like its own fucking government, and slam your first down on the desk of the receptionist.

“I think we can help each other,” you’ll say.

This will lead to a forty five minute discussion of the fact that you aren’t selling anything, then a thirty minute description of what you do. Then you’ll wait for fifteen minutes while she sets up a meeting with the COO of the beauty pageant.

Once you’re in his office he’ll immediately see the value in hiring you.

“An objective measure of beauty AND attractive women farting?” He’ll laugh, a deep warm thing that comes from his belly and spreads out to fill the room with its energy.

“I think we can work together.”

Congratulations Shitty Wizard!