Anyone who’s on the internet saw that Lordi video, back when it first came out. With the high school girls and the devils and the dancing and shit? We all had a good laugh about how stupid it was to think that a metal band would summon devils out of the earth and make the dead walk and attack people who support the social structure.
Well, those same weird, freakish devils will be the ones laughing come Thursday. See they’ve been building towards this for a while, planting suggestions in the minds of unsuspecting teens and helping local contractors craft public buildings in such a way that their daily use encourages the acquisition and storage of demonic energy. They’ve been laying the ground work carefully, but today it’s all going to come to fruition.
You’re going to be walking through the halls of your carefully designed Swedish high school, listening to Swedish death metal like most of your classmates. You’ll be having a bad day so you’ll stop in the bathroom for a quick cut. As your blood dribbles down your thigh and into the toilet the water will cloud with red quickly, blossoming with color as the fluids mix.
It’ll be the same boring blood blossom you make every time you cut yourself, except this time the water won’t suddenly grow still. Instead it’ll swirl and boil and rumble. Before long the toilet will be threatening to crack with the force of the liquid inside of it. Horrified you’ll run out of your stall and back into the halls, blood trailing behind you.
When you emerge from the stall chaos will have taken your once mundane school. The halls will be filled with demons on every variety, fiendish creatures with gnashing teeth and limbs stretching at odd angles. The popular kids will be tormented by them, many of them already dead. And the outcasts who listen to Swedish death metal, they’ll be celebrated by the beasts. The creatures will dance around them, testing them, prodding them, giving them gifts. Occasionally they’ll take a guy or girl who strikes their fancy out of the line up and have their way with them but for the most part they’ll just be quite nice to you as a “thanks” for getting this whole apocalypse thing rolling.
You’ll be scared for your safety until the lead singer of the band Lordi advances on you in what you thought was make up but it turns out is actually just how he looks all the time.
“Thanks,” he’ll say, extending his hand to you. You’ll nod at him and take his hand before holding out your CD player for him to sign it. He’ll do so amiably and go back to tormenting your students, repeatedly sodomizing the captain of your handball team with his barbed phallus. It’ll be a great day for everyone!
Congratulations on Bringing About the Arockalypse!
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